i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
