I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
