its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You have to summon your inner elephant
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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