He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
