I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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