and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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