My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
