True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
