There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
