Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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