I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
