how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
