they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
