I think my fart just growled at me.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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