Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
