i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
