peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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