i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You're a waste of cheezeits
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
