actually, I'm a sock model
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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