I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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