3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
