you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize