Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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