it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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