My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
