Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I will be naked everywhere
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
