420 ftw
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i just had sex bonerless
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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