I just saw a hot homeless man
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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