I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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