you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he thought i was a dude.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
