Kiss
Puke
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
