How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
