dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
