Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
