Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
