you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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