Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
