When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
