i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
