When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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