i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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