I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
