Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
