Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
