My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
