My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
