Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
now i know why i became what i already was.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
