I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
