People in love make me want to vomit
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
