I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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