Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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